2 and a half

2 years and 6 months, I gave my everything to you. And still that wasn’t worth more than 5 days of happiness they gave you. I sacrificed more of myself for you than I ever did for myself and still that wasn’t worth more than 5 days of happiness they gave you. I lied for you, I hurt others for you, I hurt myself for you, and still that wasn’t worth more than 5 days of happiness they gave you. I betrayed those who loved me more than you ever did, to take one more chance at happiness, for you. And that wasn’t worth more than 5 days of happiness they gave you. I was with you through thick and thin, I promised myself and to you that I would never leave like the rest did, and still, that wasn’t worth more than 5 days of happiness they gave you. I lost once, and I made the mistake of trying to relive the past, and I lost. Again.

Past

​I have lived, I have loved, and I have lost. I lived for you, I loved you, and I lost you. And it seems, as if the person that came back to me was never you. Perhaps I lost you in my memories and my experiences, and yet, I searched for you in this beautiful face. In these wanderlust eyes, I found a part of you, but why? 

You gave me love, as well as pain, and what emerges before me today is that the pain overcomes the love. Pain, to the extent that tears don’t find me anymore.

Afeef Faizi

Trapped

Once strangers, associates, then  acquaintances, just two people that pass smiles to each other and have eye contact with from time to time, then friends, who talk to each other, spend time with each other and joke about with each other, and eventually, as time moves on, best friends, being at a certain level of closeness. That is the way the average friendship works. But you and I, we had something different, we came to the point of two people who talk to each other and spend time together, friends. And then we fell into a pit for the remaining time, struggling to get out but failing to ask each other for help. Calling out to others, notifying them of the state of affairs and seeking help from them, but immobile, failing to seek each others’ help. Perhaps things would have gone down a different road had I used the gift of speech vested in me, but alas, humans are bound to make mistakes, to fall and learn to pick ourselves up. Ironically, I realize now that this is not entirely true, humans do indeed fall, but there is no given time as to when they learn to pick themselves up. That time span, that few minutes or years that one takes to learn to get back on his or her feet, this is the time when regret is born. Regret is not a wound, nor a scar, it does not heal, nor does it fade, regret stays till the day it is undone, until the debt has been repaid.

But in our case, the debt never was repaid, we fell together, but we never learnt to pick ourselves up together, because you had a different destiny to fulfill and I, a different. But who made the rules in this game that is life? If we fall together, why is it that we do not pick ourselves up together? Even if we both have different lives to live, why not do one single thing together?

Once we climbed out of the ditch, not on one occasion did either of us look back to see how far we had come, or yet, not one step had we taken together. We fell together, but we never made it out together, not even till this day, when both of us have found the reasons for which we climbed out. Until this day; there is this regret, this unpaid debt, that we are still stuck exactly where we were a long time ago.

Afeef Faizi